Disclaimer: This is an imaginary meeting that takes place in 1502 at the departure of the fourth voyage of Christopher Columbus. Although the characters appear out of their respective times, an attempt was made to hold true to their personalities and facts of their lives as documented in the endnotes. By these, world history students may discuss truth and fiction.

Scripted and Performed by the Cast:

Lisa B. (Queen Isabella, 1451-1504)
Ashley C. (Elizabeth Cook, 1742-1835)
Abigail T. (Empress Josephine Bonaparte, 1763-1814)
Yan S. (Prince Henry, 1394-1460)
Chris P. (Zheng He, 1371-1433)
Nathanael S. (Peter the Great, 1672-1725)

Scene I

[The scene opens with the sounds of the ocean, basically exuding a harbor-like atmosphere. Footsteps are heard and then voices.]

Peter the Great: So, by the pound, how much silk do the women of the Orient wear?

Zheng He: Most noble Czar, about two pounds per woman is fair estimate

Peter the Great: Heaven smite me! You're joking?

Zheng He: Impossible. Chinese no joke. Now I come here with a purpose and-

Peter the Great: That's a great pity. You know people with no sense of humor, they die young. You know that don't you? Eh, you'll find out eventually, believe me. It's true. I know. Hold on, hold on. I just had this brilliant thought! You must send some women from China to me. They would be a novelty at my court. For once, everything that I want to go according to plan! My wife would be jealous, my nobles would be delighted, and I would be very, very pleased. Now what do you think, Zheng? Can you do it? Can you--don't worry about your emperor, ok, if he has a problem with it you send him to me. Can you do it, that's all I'm asking.

Zheng He: Uh, with pleasure your Majesty. I shall give you the finest women in-

Peter the Great: Actually, on second thought, don't. The Queen, God have mercy on me, would not let me be until I procured ten kilgorams of silk for her and all her ladies-in-waiting into the bargain. Can you imagine what a strain it would put on me financially? She might even want some for that soldier who frequents the royal gatherings so often, and they must think I'm blind! Do-they must think I'm stupid! I mean, do they honestly think I can't see past the end of my nose? I know when my wife is having an affair with another man! You know, if there was a real feeling that could put you on top of the world, it is the feeling of killing your wife's lover. In that happiness, you go into a whole 'nother world. Tell me, Zheng, have you ever had that pleasure? [1]

Zheng He: Oh, no. I no married. [2]

Peter the Great: Impossible Zheng! You have "clear-cut features and long ear lobes; a stride like a tiger's and voice clear and vibrant." [3] Heaven smite me to the ground if I can see how a man was ever born so fortunate and not born a eunuch! What I would give-

Prince Henry the Navigator: Be careful what you wish for, friend. Your wish might yet be granted. Take Columbus for example, he practically begged Isabella on bended knees to go on the first voyage to the New World. Now he is brought back in chains from his third voyage. [4] Something, I might add, Vasco da Gama, one of my finest sailors, would never do.

Peter the Great: Henry! What are you doing here? You're looking scruffier than usual. Your wife giving you a hard time? Believe me, I know what you feel like. [hehe] Oh, never mind. Forget Columbus, how goes it with Africa?

Prince Henry: Never better, Czar. We always put up a new cross with each record setting voyage. [5] Which is quite often, I might add. And what of you? Who is that with you?

Peter the Great: Oh ho, well I have quite a treat for you. This is Zheng He, emissary from the fabled land of the Orient. You know, he has one boat bigger than six of yours together! [6] What do you think of that, eh?

Prince Henry: Indeed? Do you speak French, Monsuier He?

Zheng He: Oui, most noble Prince, it is one condition [7] upon which my present visit rested. May I ask-

Prince Henry: Eh uh, charmed. [to Peter in the undertone] Uh, Peter, very curious shoes, [8] where did he get those?

Peter the Great: [in the same undertone] From the same place where women wear two kilograms of silk and consider it their bathrobes.

Prince Henry: Hmm, amazing . . . yet quite strange.

Zheng He: Pardon me, most noble Majesties, but I see two women approaching. And, may I-

Peter the Great: What? What are you talking about? I can't see any. Where? Oohoo- by the beard of St. Peter, you were right to say that women approach. [breathes deeply] Oooh, will you look at that!

Prince Henry: Pleasant as the thought may be, I would not trifle with those women, Peter. Unless my eyes do mistake me, that is the entourage of Isabella of Spain and Josephine of France.

Peter the Great: Beard of Rasputin! But I think you're right. But one can dream; there's no rules that say anyone can't dream. If you can't do anything, at least you can dream. [exhales, in an undertone] Oh here they come. Alright, well, hey, we can talk to them. There's no rule that says we can't talk to them. You know, if we can't do anything, at least we can talk to them. Alright, here they come. [aloud] What ho, Royal Majesties? Where do you go on such a fine morning?

Queen Isabella: Who dares to address us?

Empress Josephine: Who dares to address us? [Each "us" is emphasized as if the two are competing.]

Queen Isabella: It's that oafish brute, the Russian Czar. He eats roast by hand and labors in the shipyards. [9] Did you hear how he addressed me?

Empress Josephine: My dear queen, did you hear how he addressed me? Look at them. Never have I seen such monstrous men. And I have seen many. [10]

Peter the Great: Forgive my boldness, but I must introduce your royal Highnesses to a most atypical character.

Queen Isabella: Josephine, who is that giant man with them?

Peter the Great: You've stabbed the horse in the head [11] my dear Queen.

Queen Isabella: [Isabella gasps, outraged] How dare you!?!

Peter the Great: Well, it's true. You have. That man standing right next to me is none other than the daring, brave, great, magnificent, charming, fabulous, foreign explorer, eh,  Zheng He, from the fabled land of the Orient. Now tell me, is that something, or is that something?

Queen Isabella: Is that all?

Prince Henry: [laughs] Is that all? This man comes from where women wear two kilograms of silk for their bathrobes. And that's just ladies-in-waiting-

Zheng He: Pardon, my dear Prince, but that was not-

Prince Henry: [in an undertone] Never mind. The point is made. [to the two women] Majesties, what have you to say to that?

Empress Josephine: What peculiar shoes.

Queen Isabella: Quaint.

Zheng He: They are the height of fashion in the Middle Kingdom. [12] May I inquire-

Empress Josephine: They look very peculiar.

Peter the Great: Speaking of which, what four ships are those putting out to sea? [13]

Queen Isabella: They are commanded by an admiral of mine, Columbus. They are sailing for the New World, and I see nothing peculiar about them.

Peter the Great: I do. They are not Russian. But, that is why I'm here, am I not? Tonight will be a celebration given in the wake of that man's departure. What was his name Zheng?

Zheng He: Columbus, your Majesty. Who is-

Peter the Great: Ah, yes. Is it true, my dear Queen, that Columbus brought back cannibals for your Majesty. And that they have already eaten one of your cooks? You know, if somebody ever did that in my kitchen, I would have his head for my breakfast! [laughs] You get it, head, breakf-, cannibals? [laughs more] Well, I thought it was funny-

Queen Isabella: Preposterous! Tartar! I'm leaving. [Exit Isabella]

Empress Josephine: Scoundrel. Titus, give me my smelling salts and then take me forthwith to my rooms. [Exit Josephine]

Zheng He: Most noble Czar, who is this-

Mrs. James Cook: Oh bless his righteous soul!

Peter the Great: Eh? Oh, well, uh, thank you, mama. 'Tis not often that one hears such a thing about Peter the Great.

Mrs. James Cook: Wretch! I wasn't referring to you! You great big, blockheaded oaf! My poor husband, God rest his soul, was Captain James Cook. It is for him that I mourn. Not for you!

Peter the Great: [undertone] Oh, Henry, like an unceasing Swedish blaze, the hen has tongue on her. [aloud] Come, away from here, Zheng. We shall speak more tonight, Henry! Adieu! Farewell! [undertone] Let us depart from this place. [Exit Peter and Zheng]

Prince Henry: Indeed. Farewell.

Mrs. James Cook: The brute! Oh my poor husband. And I alone for all these years.

Prince Henry: Well, I've also been alone, miss. Terrible feeling.

Mrs. James Cook: It is! Oh wretched woman that I am! Who will deliver me from the body of this death! My husband is-is dead!

Prince Henry: I see madam. How long has he been dead?

Mrs. James Cook: Fifteen years!

Prince Henry: Bad taste to keep the body of death for that long, You're joking, of course. Madam-

Mrs. James Cook: Impossible, the Cook's are the most serious of the English world.

Prince Henry: Oh. Well, you're a faithful widow. [14] Pity. Well, give my regards to your late husband and good day.

Mrs. James Cook: Take his place!

Prince Henry: Excuse me?

Mrs. James Cook: Be there for me, my Lord. I will be there for you. Censure me in your wisdom. I still have years left. Will you have me as your bride?

Prince Henry: I beg your pardon. Do my ears deceive me? Or am I the recipient of a marriage proposal?

Mrs. James Cook: So help me, that's all I've got left.

Prince Henry: Em, Good day madam. What a very pretty hat. [Exit Prince Henry]

Mrs. James Cook: I'll find you, I will! Oh my poor husband! [Exit Mrs. James Cook]

Scene II

[Throne room of Isabella. Music is playing, maybe a waltz. Glasses are heard tinkling, then voices.]

Queen Isabella: Ah, my dear Empress. How are you? You look a bit pale.

Empress Josephine: I feel fine, my dear Queen. Just fine. Nonetheless, my smelling salts will be in my proximity if that great oaf of a Russian king comes tonight. The man is a beast, I tell you, nothing but an uncultured, unmannered beast.

Announcer: Emperor of Russia, Conqueror of the Tartars, Benevolent Sovereign, Peter the Great! OW! Not my moustaches sire!

Empress Josephine: Titus, my smelling salts!

Queen Isabella: Don't overdo dear, here he comes.

Empress Josephine: Faster Titus, faster.

Peter the Great: Ah, the inseparable duo of Majesties. You know, my dear queen, I like your announcer better without his moustache, [15] reminds me of my grandmother. [laughs] Oh sorry. It is a pleasant evening, don't you agree Zheng?

Zheng He: A beautiful night. Could you please tell me-

Empress Josephine: The man with the shoes . . . . Titus, the smelling salts.

Prince Henry: Well, I believe that I have seen some of you before.

Peter the Great: Of course you have, you ignorant dolt! This morning at the harbor. Don't tell me you don't remember, the proposal and all that!

Prince Henry: [gently] Peter, that's what I meant.

Peter the Great: [embarrassed] Oh. Yes. I see. I'm sorry . . . bad French

Empress Josephine: [in an undertone] I told you he wasn't intelligent. Look at his stubby, calloused hands.

Queen Isabella: [also in an undertone] He is a monster, I agree. I heard from Lady de Winters that he never bathes except once in the autumn [16] and whenever he procures a new mistress.

Empress Josephine: Such bulky limbs on such a lank frame. How could a woman be attracted to that? [17]

Peter the Great: Ah, I wasn't listening, you were saying something, my dear Empress, about being attracted. Eh . . . to what, may I ask, or perhaps it would be more fitting to say, to whom?

Empress Josephine: Oh, well, to . . . Sir Francis Drake.

Mrs. James Cook: My husband, rest his soul, knew Sir Francis very well. They were boon companions. Oh my husband!

Prince Henry: Rest my soul, the hen has arrived.

Queen Isabella: Francis Drake is a barbaric English pirate, and were he here tonight, I would have my Ferdinand hang him from the nearest chandelier.

Mrs. James Cook: Francis Drake was a noble man. My husband bowled with him, right before he crushed the Spanish Armada.

Queen Isabella: The wretch! My pretty boats, destroyed, [18] lost, how dare you mention his name in my presence?!

Mrs. James Cook: I want my husband!

Queen Isabella: Well, go find him then.

Empress Josephine: That was rather tasteless, my dear. She is, after all, a widow.

Queen Isabella: Well, how was I supposed to know that? No one informed me.

Empress Josephine: Well my servants always inform me of everything. That way I don't make a fool of myself in public.

Prince Henry: Oh dear. They're going at it again.

Zheng He: At what again?

Prince Henry: At the funeral of the Duke of Naples, they got into an argument about who had a better headdress. At a funeral! Neither did in my opinion, but they kept going at it, and they had to eventually be separated by their husbands. Most embarassing, as you can imagine. It was quite hilarious for the rest of us.

Zheng He: Typical of those with unbound feet. [19] In China, we cut their heads off. [20]

Prince Henry: Hm. Interestingly efficient. However, it would deprive us of our . . . our entertainment.

Empress Josephine: You never knew anything. Why start now?

Queen Isabella: I don't like your tone of voice, Empress.

Empress Josephine: That is not my concern, an Empress may speak however she wants.

Queen Isabella: And behave however she wants, I suppose.

Peter the Great: Can no one shut those two hens up?

Mrs. James Cook: Where is he, my beloved?

Peter the Great: Ok, listen to me, you Swedish hen, stop bothering me, because I'm very sure of one thing: we are not each others' beloveds.

Mrs. James Cook: Wretch! I was not speaking of you. I was speaking of the Prince.

Prince Henry: [in a whisper] I'm right behind you, don't let her see me.

Mrs. James Cook: Darling! Will you marry me?

Peter the Great: Aha! So this is what you've been doing Henry, wooing a widow. Let me tell you, braver man than I am. Hey! That's something to be proud of.

Queen Isabella: Wretch!

Empress Josephine: Liar!

Zheng He: Pardon me majesties . . .

Peter the Great: Not now Zheng. Go on, watch them!

Zheng He: But, by the beard of Mohammad, grace be upon him, [21] this is very important.

Peter the Great: So is this. Look, she's down on her knees before the Prince. I never thought I'd see anything like it! Look at him, he's so embarassed. I'd hate to be in his shoes right now. Look, look! The two queens, they're slapping each other!

Zheng He: I want to know now! [Everything stops.]

Zheng He: From the moment that we met this morning, I have been ignored. I have been polite, courteous, and followed Western protocol to the letter. A type of behavior that I find lacking in Westerners themselves. This entire time, I have merely sought the answer to one simple question. Who is this man, Columbus?

[Silence reigns. Finally, Queen Isabella speaks up.]

Queen Isabella: Do you mean to say, that you don't know who Christopher Columbus is?

Zheng He: Unfortunately, no. And what is this New World?

Queen Isabella: You mean, you don't know?

Zheng He: No, I do not.

Queen Isabella: It's where you're from, is it not?

Zheng He: I am not from this New World. I am from the Middle Kingdom.

Queen Isabella: Then where has my admiral been sailing to? If it's not the East, then what is it?!

Prince Henry: Perhaps it is some undiscovered landmass. The whole earth has not yet been mapped. No doubt, there are bodies of land that have not yet been discovered. Solomon saith, and I quote, "He that considereth the wind shall not sow, and he that looketh to the clouds shall not reap." You will yet reap what Christopher has sown.

Queen Isabella: But, I wanted it to be the East!

Prince Henry: And I wanted my men to reach India. We can't always have everything we want. In any case, even if it is not the East, it is still a rich land from all accounts, and one may yet gain profit from it.

Queen Isabella: Yes . . . one may.

Peter the Great: Keep talking, by all means. In my opinion the nation that will one day be the most powerful is not even well represented here. So, with that view in mind, I think it would be a good idea if we put some spice into this affair, drown our disappointment in intoxication and oblivion. Have out the beer, my Isabella, and let us make this a real festival! One that surpasses even my "Most Drunken Synod of Fools and Jesters." [22] Come on, Henry, you know what I'm talking about. Like the old days, a real festival!

Prince Henry: In honor of a New World.

Empress Josephine: Titus, my elderberry wine!

Queen Isabella: To the New World!

Mrs. James Cook: Oh my poor husband!

Zheng He: Your poor husband?! My poor neck! If I do not find out who this Christopher Columbus is, the Emperor will chop off my head!

The End.

up¹ N/A. "Catherine the Great's Ascent." History House. 2004. <http://www.historyhouse.com/in_history/catherine_two/> (3 April 2004).

up² N/A. "Zheng He" Wikipedia. 29 March 2004. <http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zheng_He> (2 April 2004).

up³ Leo, Robert K.H. "The Admiral Of the Western Seas Cheng Ho (Zheng He)." <http://planet.time.net.my/CentralMarket/melaka101/chengho.htm> (2 April 2004).

up⁴ Tirado, Thomas C. "Christopher Columbus: The Third Voyage." Microsoft® Encarta® Online Encyclopedia. 2004. <http://encarta.msn.com/encyclopedia_761568472_3_12/Columbus_Christopher.html#s12> (2 April 2004).

up⁵ Just before turning back from exploring a previously uncharted region, the Portugese were to place a pillar, having the royal arms of King John II and a Christian cross, on a high point of the shoreline in order to claim the land in the name of Christendom and Portugal. <http://www.ucalgary.ca/applied_history/tutor/eurvoya/vasco.html>

up⁶ Between 1405 and 1433, at least 317 ships and 37,000 men were under Admiral Zheng's command. The flagship of the fleet was a nine-masted vessel measuring 440 feet. <http://www.oceansonline.com/zheng.htm> By contrast, Coumbus comanded the 78 foot flagship, the Santa Maria.

up⁷ A condition is invented by the author of this play, to lead to a humourous conclusion.

up⁸ A reference to the peculiarity of Chinese footwear.

up⁹ Rempel, Professor Gerhard. "The Personality of Peter." Western New England College. <http://mars.wnec.edu/~grempel/courses/russia/lectures/12peter1.html> (2 April 2004).

up¹⁰ An assumption based on the fact that Empress Josephine would have seen many powerful and strong men in her life at royal banquets.

up¹¹ A fictitious quote made by one of the writers in an attempt to revise the familiar quote (You've hit the nail on the head) to one that was more bloody and fitting to the nature of Peter the Great.

up¹² Chinese foot fashion was fastidious, e.g, footbinding. Zheng may have worn embroidered shoes or sandles made of rice straw.

up¹³ This is a reference to Columbus's fourth voyage.

up¹⁴ Captain James Cook was cannibalized, and his wife survived him by fifty-six years.

up¹⁵ Peter the Great wanted his Russia to become more like the clean shaven west. He had his nobles cut off their beards or face a hefty tax on beards.

up¹⁶ A semi-fictitious statement referencing Peter the Great's unhealthy and immoral lifestyle.

up¹⁷ Empress Josephine was said to have had several affairs even when married to Napoleon Bonaparte.

up¹⁸ Isabella is referring to the nine day battle of 1588 when the English fleet led by Sir Francis Drake (1540-1596) and the weather destroyed the Spanish Armada. Josephine could have just as well mentioned his contemporary, Sir Walter Raleigh (1552-1618), as he too had been dead for over a century before Isabella was born.

up¹⁹ The practice of foot binding began in the Sung dynasty (960-1279 BC) and was not prohibited until 1949.

up²⁰ When the Christians were persecuted because of their faith, their persecutors decapitated them in order to prevent their resurrection.

up²¹ Zheng He was Muslim, and Mohammad instructed his followers to grow breads, e.g., Taliban.

up²² Rempel, Professor Gerhard. "The Personality of Peter." Western New England College. <http://mars.wnec.edu/~grempel/courses/russia/lectures/12peter1.html> (8 April 2004).

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